Hi Megan

Hi Megan:

I miss you so much. There's almost no way to describe it. It feels like the last time I saw you was yesterday, but also so long ago because so much has happened since then. I wish every day I could talk with you, and about nothing and about everything, but I have to settle for my memories and one-sided conversations. My biggest regret is not saying everything I wanted to all the time and during the last times I spent with you, so better late than never. 

First of all, I finally did something I'm sure you would be happy about, I had a mastectomy. I know your own journey to mastectomy was a tough one and we talked about that a lot, I'm certain you agreed that it was the right choice for me. After you passed away I read through all of your breastcancer.org posts and talked to our friends and I realized this was one thing you hoped for, that I took all of this more seriously and took care of myself. So I did. Thank you! I wish I could have learned the lesson any other way, but I still learned it. Mom and Tim were a great help to me while I recovered. It's really not so bad, all things considered (except those damn drains!). I just had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Kahn yesterday. Everything looks good and next up is entering the screening program for ovarian cancer detection.

I also signed up for the Chicago Marathon. Crazy, right? I can't believe it. I didn't really start running until the time Mom, Billy, and I watched you and Rusty at the 5K in Somerville, and then you all came to Chicago and we ran in the zoo. Now I'm doing this! I kind of can't believe it. I ran 16 miles today, and the marathon is in 5 weeks, right before your birthday. Mom and Billy are coming out, I'm very nervous/excited!

I love everything you ever gave me. The yarn you gifted me that I can't really bring myself to use, project bags you made me, the dutch oven you bought for me--everything. I asked Rusty last September if he would send me the Aidez sweater you were working on so that I could finish it. You were so close to being done. I finished the last bits and wore it all over the place last fall, and I can't wait for the cooler weather to come around so that I can wear it again. I feel a little bit guilty for stealing it but it really means a lot to me to be snuggled by your stitches. It would have been too big for you anyways ;) I also am severely behind on finishing that sweater for Rusty. I'm sorry! I promise I will finish it. 

Well maybe the biggest news of this year is that Tim and I are getting married (!!) He proposed in July, in front of all our friends (of course) and it's going to be next July at the Whaling Museum in New Bedford. We are so very excited, I know you'd love it. He gave me Mom's old ring from Dad, it's so pretty. He's actually moving in tomorrow, too. I wish so much that you could be there and help us plan the wedding. But we're saving a spot for you, don't worry. Rusty will be there too, Tim asked him to be in the wedding. 

Speaking of Rusty, he and your friends are amazing, they're organizing a 5K for you--Run Like an Antelope, how perfect. There are so many people coming out, you have inspired so many people to start running. People who know you, people who don't, people who love you and some that have never met you. Even Virginia from Gather Here! I don't think she'll ever forget the time you spilled a homebrew beer on the table at Pints n Purls. Rusty is also amazing. I wish I saw him more but we haven't been home a lot. He showed us a good time last April, we got to hang out with him, Poster, and Reba during our regular Patriots Day visit. And he came out for Tim's birthday, the Timtacular. We're all doing our best, but it's hard without you. 

I think about you all the time. Every time I hear Pink Floyd (You should have seen the  Olympics Closing Ceremonies, there was an awesome rendition of Wish You Were Here), The Dead, Ani DiFranco, or Phish. Every time I see Éphémère in the store or on tap. Every time I see something you made me. Every time I go somewhere we've been. Even helping Tim homebrew. I miss swapping recipes and talking Weight Watchers. I miss chatting with you. I've gone through our old chat logs, listened to old voicemails. There's all these things that didn't seem important at the time but they're all I have left so they mean everything. I've looked through pictures, but we have hardly any together as adults, it makes me sad. I'm sad we'll never have any more. At least we have some cute baby pictures, we were darn cute.

This year has been such a bittersweet one, because there has been a lot to be happy about, but every time I'm really happy it also comes with a dose of sadness, because I can't share it with you. It doesn't seem real, I still can't believe you're gone. But today we're celebrating your life, and Tim and I are off to celebrate it in the best way we know how, with some good food and beer :) Don't worry, there's Ephemere on tap. 

Miss you loads, love you lots. 
Jocelyn