The locker room

As a 29 year-old, I never thought I'd have locker room insecurities again. Anyone who made it through middle school and high school gym classes knows how it is. There's something about stripping down to your skivvies and putting on gym clothes that is both a great equalizer and brings out every insecurity about your body. Especially in middle school, where everyone is growing into and trying not to be so awkward about their own bodies. I think I was so modest that I would change in a stall and not out in the open with other girls. I can't even remember because I completely blocked it out! As adults, I'm sure almost everyone gets over it, especially at the gym. Who cares? 

Does the sight of this bring back terrible memories?

What's strange is that I have had to take off my clothes and have my chest stared at a LOT in the last 6 months. There was the pre-op appointment, where Dr. Kim drew the red lines on my chest just like they do on TV, in front of Mom and Tim. (Welcome to the family, Tim!) Post-surgery my Mom helped me shower and get dressed every day. And plenty of doctors and nurses have looked at them during follow up appointments. I don't really feel insecure about the boobs or the scars, especially not around doctors or my family. I even sort of take pride in my drain scars that you can see when I wear sleeveless clothes. They're battle scars, they represent my journey. And I think my boobs look great in clothes, you really can't tell they're any different. I have gotten completely used to them and I can't remember what it's like to have the floppy version 1.0. In the flesh, they're a little less than perfect. They're a little uneven, the nipple that almost fell off looks very different, I still have the thin skin issue, and of course I have two big scars running underneath them. But I never really cared, because everyone that has seen them knows exactly what I have been through. 

Another reason to not be shy about my scars is that in the breast cancer community there is a sort of "Show and Tell" atmosphere. Patients and previvors who have undergone a mastectomy are proud to show other women contemplating surgery what they ended up with as a means to compare doctors, and get an idea of what they're in for. I saw my sister's after her surgery and I looked through many pages of doctor photo galleries to get an idea of what I would look like. I think it really helps to manage expectations. That's why I'm more than happy and not an ounce shy to show them to my curious friends, or would be more than willing to show someone who is contemplating the same surgery. I also took some pictures early on and I'm glad I saved them, because it reminds me how much better they look now. They weren't very pretty right after the mastectomy and during the expansions. I made Tim look every step of the way, because I knew they weren't going to be "perfect" afterwards, so I wanted him to see the improvement too. I am so lucky to have a very supportive partner, I can't imagine the awkward conversations that single women post-mastectomy are forced to have in their dating life.  

Somehow this doesn't translate to the gym though. They are total strangers there! I can't announce every time I take off my shirt, "Hey I had a double mastectomy! Don't worry though, not cancer." Admittedly, I'm sure exactly zero people have gotten a peek at them and if they did, they probably don't care. I resist the urge to change in a stall, because I don't want to have to hide them or be ashamed of them. I really shouldn't be. But every time I go to the gym, as soon as I walk into the locker room, I get a twinge of anxiety about taking off my shirt. I'm not sure it will ever go away. But hey, at least I'm not insecure about the rest of my body anymore.