Sometimes resting is training

Not much new on the running front, just working through my back/leg pain. I've been seeing my chiropractor at City Center Chiropractic, and I can't say enough good things about them. I've been seeing their new chiropractor, who is training for an Ironman triathlon the same day as my next half marathon. (Ironman = 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run, usually within a 17 hr time limit.) Clearly she understands about training! It seems that I no longer have much back pain, but more soreness and tightness in my hips, probably from the limping I was doing during the back pain. She's been helping me with adjustments and stretching, and I have a lot more confidence, even if my legs are sore and tired. The good news is that it's not stopping me from running, I'm just running much more slowly. 

Last Saturday was extremely hot for our 12 miler. As one of my training partners said, "It was a character building run." I couldn't agree more. Waking up at 4:45 am (the day after my birthday) to get downtown to run 12 miles in 90deg+ heat takes some dedication. Our trainer also had us weigh ourselves before and after the run to gauge our hydration. I usually don't carry water with me, I just stop at the water fountains, but I figured this week since I was going slowly I would bring it. Even with all the refills of my 12 oz bottle, and stopping at the water/Gatorade stops on the lake, I still registered -3 lb on the scale after the run. That's a lot of sweating. I did have some pain, but it actually seems to get better once I'm warmed up. I walked a whole lot and I went pretty slowly, but I finished the miles and that's all I can ask for. I had an epiphany somewhere along the run where I stopped beating myself up for walking and just focused on covering the mileage. If I have to walk during the marathon, who cares? I'd love to run the whole thing, but crossing the finish line is more important to me than seeing what time is up there. And there's still 8 weeks of training, so if all goes well, I'll be back at my best soon. 

Earlier this week I traveled to North Carolina for work. I woke up early Tuesday and did 5 miles between the elliptical/treadmill. I would have preferred to run outside, but it was too dark and I had to make it to a jobsite. I was very close to rolling over and going back to bed, so I'm just glad I didn't skip it. I have to admit after the past week, where I've been really busy at work and struggling with walking, nevermind running, I've been pretty exhausted. Last night I had planned to go to the gym after work for some time on the elliptical and light weights, but I was just pooped so I went home, sat on the couch with Penny, knit, and watched the Olympics. I felt bad at first but if my body is exhausted, resting is probably just as good for me as any training. 

Taking tips from Penny, she sure knows how to rest!

Then this morning I saw some timely advice from an Active.com email, 10 Tips for Running Your Strongest Marathon. The tip on rest: "Some runners think they're being a wimp if they take a rest day. Or they think that somehow they're going to lose some ground. Nothing could be further from the truth. One or two rest days during your training week is vital and as important as your run days. If you don't allow the body some days to rest and repair, you'll risk overtraining and increase your chance of injury." Sounds good to me!

So tonight I'll do some stretching and Pilates, ready to tackle 14 miles tomorrow. The forecast looks amazing, clear with a high of 79 (FINALLY!), and I'm looking forward to a great run. 

28 years: A recap

Happy birthday to me! In the 29 year old club now, on my way to (yikes!) 30. 

Looking back, my 28th year was certainly a roller coaster year. I remember sitting in my sister's house in August 2011, and I drafted a list "28 things for 28" marking things I wanted to do that year. I've accomplished many, not all. There were lots of concrete things on there (make things for people in my family, finish the sweater I was working) and some hard to quantify goals (hug the people I love, enjoy my family). I crossed a lot off, but failed at some. Many things have happened outside of my control, but just like in running, I have to remind myself of the successes and milestones, and not focus on the failures. 

By far the most significant thing that happened last year was my sister Megan passing away from metastatic breast cancer. I sometimes can't believe it happened, it doesn't seem real, and it has changed my life forever. I'm sad not to have a happy birthday wish from her this year. I regret not being able to spend all the time in the world with her, not being at the family wedding with her a few weeks before she died, but incredibly grateful for the time I did have with her and being able to come out to be with her while she was in the hospital and at home for hospice care. Despite the situation, there were a few glimmers of Megan there for me to remember. Eventually, I gave the eulogy at her funeral, which was all at once the saddest, bravest, and most honored thing I think I've ever been asked to do. 

Everything else pales in comparison, but here are a few more things from my year:

• Quit my old job and started a new one.
• Ran over 300 miles; signed up and am training for a marathon; ran a half marathon. My original list just said "Run"
• Got a prophylactic double mastectomy and reconstruction new boobs.  Original list said simply "Take care of my boobs."
• Hosted a Thanksgiving dinner with Tim at my condo and sent out Christmas cards. 
• Tim and I took our first vacation together (not just visiting family/friends.) It was to Gary, IN, but it still counts!
• Renewed my passport. Still haven't used it, but it's ready.
• Engaged to be married to the love of my life and my perfect fit, Tim. 

As a birthday present to me, Tim and I ran the Terrapin 5K together last night in Chicago. I ran at a pace much slower than usual on account of the back, but it actually felt good. Tim is a trooper for doing it with me, I know he doesn't like to run. What an awesome race! Megan would have loved it. Right at Soldier Field, the post-race party was a music festival, and they had munchies and Magic Hat beer. Sitting on the lawn, drinking a few beers, listening to Grateful Dead covers, and looking at the beautiful moon--I was a happy camper. I'd like to think she was there, wishing me a happy birthday and best wishes for the next year :)

Tim and I at the Terrapin 5K

Ready to rock 29!

Guess whose back...

Hurts. Yup, mine. 

Background: I had nagging lower back pain in 2010, when I was casually training for a half marathon (never made it). I saw a chiropractor/sports therapist who told me all about how I had a weak core and needed to work on that before I could run long distances. So I did, I've been regularly doing Pilates and Yoga and in this training I've been doing Pilates once per week. I hadn't felt a twinge of pain until Monday, when I felt it at the end of a 3 mile run. Not good. 

I called my chiropractor on Tuesday and got an appointment that day. My regular chiro is actually heading out for vacation, so this was with her visiting chiropractor, who also happens to run marathons. I'm in good hands. I explained to her my problems, of course bursting into tears because I was so upset. I got it together, she did an exam, stretched me out, and did an adjustment. I almost instantly felt better. She gave me more stretches to integrate into my routine, and told me to ice and take Advil. She was also very encouraging, setting me at ease that I can still do this. 

I did some Pilates and the stretches she recommended on Tuesday, and felt okay on Wednesday. Good enough to go for 5-7 miles after work, of which I only finished 5. I felt great until mile 4, where the pain came back and I had to walk/hobble/limp home for the last mile. I did more stretching and icing, but this morning I'm still limping. I have another appointment with the chiropractor on Friday, but I'm not sure how good the outlook for 12 miles on Saturday is. And Tim and I were supposed to run a 5K downtown tonight. We'll see how that goes. 

Obviously I'm disappointed and hope to be able to do all of the scheduled training. I'm not going to get ahead of myself and let my mind get carried away thinking about all of the scenarios that lie ahead, I just need to focus on today and hope to be better tomorrow. 

Mile High Club

Last weekend I was in Denver, CO with Tim visiting our friends Mike and Lucy. They're a fun couple we met in Chicago a few years ago and bonded over beer and good food. Aside from hanging out with them and their adorable dog Maya, we also went to a craft beer festival (read: carbo-loading), did some good eating, some hiking, watched the Olympics, and I went for an 8 mile run. This was my fifth state training for the marathon. (For those of you counting, that's Indiana, Illinois, Georgia, Nevada, and now Colorado. And I have a business trip planned in North Carolina next week. Maybe I should sneak up to Wisconsin before the end of the summer...) We spent a lot of the weekend giggling and playing fetch with Maya, she is the most fun dog I've ever met. Here's her and Tim, sadly I didn't take any pictures of our friends, just scenery and the dog. 

Tim and Maya the Bulldog. 

The trail I had picked out for my run was a 2.7 mile loop in the Bluffs Regional Park marked "easy", 2.5 miles away from our friends' house. Perfect! The weather was gorgeous on Sunday and I set out in the morning. I didn't anticipate much of a pace, since this was supposed to be a recovery week and the air is much thinner a mile up. A few days before, we went for a 3 mile hike in Golden Gate Canyon that felt pretty good, so I was expecting to be able to complete my miles with no problems. 

The Denver scenery: much different than Chicago. 

Things were going great, the roads are more hilly than I'm used to but I tackled my first big one and kept going. Once I hit the trail though...major incline, with switchbacks. There was no way I could run up these hills. At first I was semi-frustrated, but I decided to appreciate the change in scenery (literally) and consider this a hike/jog/walk, where I'd hike the inclines, jog the flat parts and descents, and just walk when I needed to. "Easy" must mean "easy for hikers or trail runners who are used to this air and incline" in Denver. If I lived there I would feel hugely accomplished if I could run that trail. I really enjoyed the hike and the views, even if it took me a longer to cover the miles. It seemed like an adventure, although it was difficult. The overall elevation and the elevation gains were pretty challenging. Let's just compare my Garmin (GPS watch) data for this 8 miler with the one I completed a month ago:

Garmin data comparison. Chicago on the top, Denver on the bottom. 

Quite the difference! You can see how the elevation in Chicago hovers around 600 ft and there's little change overall. But in Denver the overall elevation is 6000 ft, with some pretty significant climbs. No wonder it was difficult!  I don't even think it was the thin air everyone warned me about, it was the hills. I have very very little training on hills and Chicago is a notoriously flat course, so I haven't really been concerned about integrating them into my training. My main obstacle (aside from the mileage) is the heat, which thankfully didn't come into play this weekend. I still had a great time, got my miles in at an acceptable pace, and soaked in some great scenery. I was pretty sore afterwards (more on that later), but I think that's mostly because hiking and running down steep inclines is not something my regular muscles are used to. I have a huge appreciation for people who live at high altitudes, trail runners, and people who have no choice but to train on hills. But for now, I am back in the flatlands. 

July 24, 2011

One year ago, July 24, 2011. This was the last time I spent quality time with my sister. I went home to see her in August when she was in the hospital and when she went back home, but hospitals and hospice don't count as quality time.

My visit home that weekend was for a job site visit and also for a meetup with some of my knitting friends in Boston. I was able to extend my trip for some quality time in Worcester with Megan. After my visit to the job site, we spent the day together. We were sitting on her couch and she talked on the phone with a nurse to discuss results of a recent scan. There was progression in her tumor and the nurse quoted the size of her tumor and we pulled out a ruler...it seemed huge. Like the size of a football. It wasn't a solid mass, but those were approximately the largest dimensions. She was pretty upset, as I'm sure anyone who hears this kind of news is. I had no idea what to do or say. 

We went to pick up her CSA, to Trader Joe's to shop for dinner that night, and then she took me to Moe's. I remember her not being able to eat a lot. She had lost a lot of weight, mostly because her tumor was pressing against her stomach and she felt really full a lot of the time. At Moe's we had a conversation about true friends...how when she got sick many of her friends had dropped off the map, they were busy with their own things, but the true friends stayed. We talked about how she might go out on disability, so she could enjoy herself with her time left. To remember this conversation breaks my heart. Two sisters in their 20s should not have to have this conversation. It really scared me. In the past we had talked about her cancer and even after she was diagnosed with the liver metastasis we would discuss the fact that she was terminal and that she wouldn't be around forever. I just never thought it would be so soon. But it really started to feel real and imminent. I wonder if she knew how close. 

That night she made a hippie dinner with items from her CSA, for me, my Mom, and her friends Jeanette and Sarah. She made us hippie hot dogs, beets, and other vegetables. It was Sarah's first time having beets, Megan liked to refer to herself as the beet ambassador :)  I remember Jeanette brought flowers and Megan told Sarah and Jeanette about the call from the nurse that day. That the tumor had progressed and she was going to have to try something new. During the night I heard her wincing a few times in pain. She seemed to be having some shoulder pain and difficulty sleeping. That was really hard for me to hear--I was completely helpless. I had lived away from home since her initial diagnosis. I visited her and she visited me throughout her treatments, but I always learned everything through a filter. This was really the first time I saw and heard her in pain. 

Then I went to Boston to be with some knitting friends. I felt kind of terrible the whole time and I'm sure I wasn't the best company. I felt selfish. Megan and I had talked clearly in the past about her end of life, but it all seemed very real. I felt terrible spending time with my friends instead of her. In fact looking back I just feel so incredibly selfish for every time I bogged her down with things that were going on with me instead of listening to her. I regret that there aren't more pictures of us together. I feel sad there wasn't more time. But she came into Boston on Sunday July 24 to spend time with me and some of my knitting friends got to meet her. I can't remember where we went but we both had raspberry lime rickeys, I was knitting on my Wispy Cardigan and she was knitting her Aidez sweater. It was just the last time I got to see her in her element, not in the hospital, not dying. 

I don't know what I think about all this, except that it still just doesn't feel real. I don't know what lessons there are to learn, what it all means, there just are no answers. There are a now a limited amount of things I have from her. My favorite knitting project bag is one she made me from whale fabric she bought at Gather Here in Boston. But every time I look at it, I get a mix of happy and sad. Part of me is scared to use it, I might wear it out or lose it. I will never again receive another hand-sewed item, we'll never talk about knitting again, or running, or go to a Red Sox game together. The things, the memories, they're finite and there won't be any more new ones. Everything we did the last time I spent time with Megan was completely ordinary, but I just feel like I need to remember all of the facts, everything I can, because you never know when what you do will be the last time you do it. 

2:36

Today I ran my first half marathon, the Chicago Rock N Roll Half Marathon. Hooray automatic PR! I was actually hoping for under 2:30, which was perfectly attainable based on my training, so I'm a little disappointed with the 2:36. I was feeling good for the first half of the race, it was pretty hot but I was hydrating and cooling as necessary. The volunteers did a tremendous job of keeping us pumped up, and the race organizers added several cooling stations and giving away ice at the medic tents. Somewhere around 9 miles though I convinced myself to take my first walk break, and I kind of fell apart after that. The thing is, it wasn't really my legs or tiredness stopping me, it was me quitting. It was mental. That's why I'm disappointed in myself. 

I have explained to Tim and Adam about what I describe as the little devil on my shoulder. He's the one who tells me "Take it easy, you can walk. See all those other walkers? Just rest, it's okay" when I really could keep pushing. He tells me I'm not ready, I can't finish, I'm tired, it's too hot, it might rain, etc. He makes me nervous before a run because I have a fear that I'm going to somehow fail. He tells me a marathon is ridiculous, I can't do it. Well, the little devil took over a bit today, but several times I did push through and keep going. That's something. Hopefully in the future I can remember how disappointed I felt today when I let him take over, and quit listening. 

Pre race: Sunrise in Grant Park

To focus on the positives---hey I ran a half marathon today! I finished and I didn't need to quit. This is the furthest I've run and while my legs are tired, it's no worse than my other long runs. It was pretty hot and humid, but it didn't really stop me, and that's a testament to the training so far. I tackled all of the hills (or what pass for hills in Illinois) rather than letting up. And let's not forget, I've only been training for 7 weeks!  That fact kind of stuns me. I am halfway there (mileage-wise) and I have 11 weeks left. Also, I have the best athletic supporter ever. Tim is the truly the best partner and supporter. He woke up at 5am to come to the race with me, stayed with me while I stretched pre-race, cheered me on between miles 6-7, was who I was looking forward to see at the finish, and made me feel a lot better afterwards when I was down after the race. I couldn't wish for anything more.

Time for a nice recovery week, so I can come back and prove that little devil wrong--I can do it!

What is Bright Pink?

So as you may have heard, I'm running the Chicago Marathon for Bright Pink. What is Bright Pink? 

Bright Pink is an awesome organization to empower women just like me, women who are at a high risk for breast and ovarian cancer. When I received my BRCA test results, I was hungry for information and Bright Pink provided it. 

As I mentioned previously I have gotten tons of information from Bright Pink, and hearing about founder Lindsay Avner's story is what made me realize a prophylactic double mastectomy was not a crazy idea. They also have the Pink Pal program, where you can get matched up with someone like you to talk to and get advice. I also did this, and was grateful for the advice of another woman in a similar situation. I hope to give back to this program in the future. They have monthly outreach events and several educational events. They are also totally social media savvy and do things like tweet chats, conference calls with experts, and post interesting articles and stories. And fun events like FabFest, featuring Giuliana Rancic. You may have heard of her, she is an E! News Correspondent, has a reality show on E! (Giuliana and Bill), was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and is friends with the founder of Bright Pink. They also have this genius service, Underwire Alerts. You get a text every month reminding you to do your breast self exam. Their site is also FULL of information, ranging from basic info, statistics, fertility, insurance, etc. 

I remember when I got the results of my BRCA test, after my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was regularly writing on her blog: Megan's Pink Blog. I messaged her "I wish there was a color lighter than pink, it could be Jocelyn's light pink blog." I was looking for something for people in my position--people who are at risk, but don't have the disease. Throughout my surgeries I had endless resources on breastcancer.org, but sometimes I feel guilty about asking vain questions or complaining, because I didn't have cancer. I had a lot of questions and concerns, but they really pale in comparison to the concerns of people who are really facing a life threatening illness. 

Then I remembered the organization that my OB/GYN had recommended when I told her about Megan. Bright Pink...the opposite of light! I didn't look into it back then, because I honestly didn't want to deal with it. But after I got my BRCA test, I couldn't ignore it any more and wanted as much information as possible, to connect with people who were faced with the same decisions. That's when I really sought them out. And it has truly changed me, I am so thankful they are around. Their mission is about helping women face their risks and becoming empowered by that information, not waiting around for something bad to happy, but using it as motivation to live healthy.

Needless to say I am very excited to be running the marathon for this team and raising money for this awesome nonprofit, which has done so much to help me. Please consider donating to my fundraising effort, helping me reach my goal, and allowing this nonprofit to  help many more women just like me! My goal is to raise $1500, and have raised $475 to date. Every bit helps, and I'll be thinking of you all during my training and marathon who have given me strength and made this possible.