July 24, 2011

One year ago, July 24, 2011. This was the last time I spent quality time with my sister. I went home to see her in August when she was in the hospital and when she went back home, but hospitals and hospice don't count as quality time.

My visit home that weekend was for a job site visit and also for a meetup with some of my knitting friends in Boston. I was able to extend my trip for some quality time in Worcester with Megan. After my visit to the job site, we spent the day together. We were sitting on her couch and she talked on the phone with a nurse to discuss results of a recent scan. There was progression in her tumor and the nurse quoted the size of her tumor and we pulled out a ruler...it seemed huge. Like the size of a football. It wasn't a solid mass, but those were approximately the largest dimensions. She was pretty upset, as I'm sure anyone who hears this kind of news is. I had no idea what to do or say. 

We went to pick up her CSA, to Trader Joe's to shop for dinner that night, and then she took me to Moe's. I remember her not being able to eat a lot. She had lost a lot of weight, mostly because her tumor was pressing against her stomach and she felt really full a lot of the time. At Moe's we had a conversation about true friends...how when she got sick many of her friends had dropped off the map, they were busy with their own things, but the true friends stayed. We talked about how she might go out on disability, so she could enjoy herself with her time left. To remember this conversation breaks my heart. Two sisters in their 20s should not have to have this conversation. It really scared me. In the past we had talked about her cancer and even after she was diagnosed with the liver metastasis we would discuss the fact that she was terminal and that she wouldn't be around forever. I just never thought it would be so soon. But it really started to feel real and imminent. I wonder if she knew how close. 

That night she made a hippie dinner with items from her CSA, for me, my Mom, and her friends Jeanette and Sarah. She made us hippie hot dogs, beets, and other vegetables. It was Sarah's first time having beets, Megan liked to refer to herself as the beet ambassador :)  I remember Jeanette brought flowers and Megan told Sarah and Jeanette about the call from the nurse that day. That the tumor had progressed and she was going to have to try something new. During the night I heard her wincing a few times in pain. She seemed to be having some shoulder pain and difficulty sleeping. That was really hard for me to hear--I was completely helpless. I had lived away from home since her initial diagnosis. I visited her and she visited me throughout her treatments, but I always learned everything through a filter. This was really the first time I saw and heard her in pain. 

Then I went to Boston to be with some knitting friends. I felt kind of terrible the whole time and I'm sure I wasn't the best company. I felt selfish. Megan and I had talked clearly in the past about her end of life, but it all seemed very real. I felt terrible spending time with my friends instead of her. In fact looking back I just feel so incredibly selfish for every time I bogged her down with things that were going on with me instead of listening to her. I regret that there aren't more pictures of us together. I feel sad there wasn't more time. But she came into Boston on Sunday July 24 to spend time with me and some of my knitting friends got to meet her. I can't remember where we went but we both had raspberry lime rickeys, I was knitting on my Wispy Cardigan and she was knitting her Aidez sweater. It was just the last time I got to see her in her element, not in the hospital, not dying. 

I don't know what I think about all this, except that it still just doesn't feel real. I don't know what lessons there are to learn, what it all means, there just are no answers. There are a now a limited amount of things I have from her. My favorite knitting project bag is one she made me from whale fabric she bought at Gather Here in Boston. But every time I look at it, I get a mix of happy and sad. Part of me is scared to use it, I might wear it out or lose it. I will never again receive another hand-sewed item, we'll never talk about knitting again, or running, or go to a Red Sox game together. The things, the memories, they're finite and there won't be any more new ones. Everything we did the last time I spent time with Megan was completely ordinary, but I just feel like I need to remember all of the facts, everything I can, because you never know when what you do will be the last time you do it. 

2:36

Today I ran my first half marathon, the Chicago Rock N Roll Half Marathon. Hooray automatic PR! I was actually hoping for under 2:30, which was perfectly attainable based on my training, so I'm a little disappointed with the 2:36. I was feeling good for the first half of the race, it was pretty hot but I was hydrating and cooling as necessary. The volunteers did a tremendous job of keeping us pumped up, and the race organizers added several cooling stations and giving away ice at the medic tents. Somewhere around 9 miles though I convinced myself to take my first walk break, and I kind of fell apart after that. The thing is, it wasn't really my legs or tiredness stopping me, it was me quitting. It was mental. That's why I'm disappointed in myself. 

I have explained to Tim and Adam about what I describe as the little devil on my shoulder. He's the one who tells me "Take it easy, you can walk. See all those other walkers? Just rest, it's okay" when I really could keep pushing. He tells me I'm not ready, I can't finish, I'm tired, it's too hot, it might rain, etc. He makes me nervous before a run because I have a fear that I'm going to somehow fail. He tells me a marathon is ridiculous, I can't do it. Well, the little devil took over a bit today, but several times I did push through and keep going. That's something. Hopefully in the future I can remember how disappointed I felt today when I let him take over, and quit listening. 

Pre race: Sunrise in Grant Park

To focus on the positives---hey I ran a half marathon today! I finished and I didn't need to quit. This is the furthest I've run and while my legs are tired, it's no worse than my other long runs. It was pretty hot and humid, but it didn't really stop me, and that's a testament to the training so far. I tackled all of the hills (or what pass for hills in Illinois) rather than letting up. And let's not forget, I've only been training for 7 weeks!  That fact kind of stuns me. I am halfway there (mileage-wise) and I have 11 weeks left. Also, I have the best athletic supporter ever. Tim is the truly the best partner and supporter. He woke up at 5am to come to the race with me, stayed with me while I stretched pre-race, cheered me on between miles 6-7, was who I was looking forward to see at the finish, and made me feel a lot better afterwards when I was down after the race. I couldn't wish for anything more.

Time for a nice recovery week, so I can come back and prove that little devil wrong--I can do it!

What is Bright Pink?

So as you may have heard, I'm running the Chicago Marathon for Bright Pink. What is Bright Pink? 

Bright Pink is an awesome organization to empower women just like me, women who are at a high risk for breast and ovarian cancer. When I received my BRCA test results, I was hungry for information and Bright Pink provided it. 

As I mentioned previously I have gotten tons of information from Bright Pink, and hearing about founder Lindsay Avner's story is what made me realize a prophylactic double mastectomy was not a crazy idea. They also have the Pink Pal program, where you can get matched up with someone like you to talk to and get advice. I also did this, and was grateful for the advice of another woman in a similar situation. I hope to give back to this program in the future. They have monthly outreach events and several educational events. They are also totally social media savvy and do things like tweet chats, conference calls with experts, and post interesting articles and stories. And fun events like FabFest, featuring Giuliana Rancic. You may have heard of her, she is an E! News Correspondent, has a reality show on E! (Giuliana and Bill), was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and is friends with the founder of Bright Pink. They also have this genius service, Underwire Alerts. You get a text every month reminding you to do your breast self exam. Their site is also FULL of information, ranging from basic info, statistics, fertility, insurance, etc. 

I remember when I got the results of my BRCA test, after my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was regularly writing on her blog: Megan's Pink Blog. I messaged her "I wish there was a color lighter than pink, it could be Jocelyn's light pink blog." I was looking for something for people in my position--people who are at risk, but don't have the disease. Throughout my surgeries I had endless resources on breastcancer.org, but sometimes I feel guilty about asking vain questions or complaining, because I didn't have cancer. I had a lot of questions and concerns, but they really pale in comparison to the concerns of people who are really facing a life threatening illness. 

Then I remembered the organization that my OB/GYN had recommended when I told her about Megan. Bright Pink...the opposite of light! I didn't look into it back then, because I honestly didn't want to deal with it. But after I got my BRCA test, I couldn't ignore it any more and wanted as much information as possible, to connect with people who were faced with the same decisions. That's when I really sought them out. And it has truly changed me, I am so thankful they are around. Their mission is about helping women face their risks and becoming empowered by that information, not waiting around for something bad to happy, but using it as motivation to live healthy.

Needless to say I am very excited to be running the marathon for this team and raising money for this awesome nonprofit, which has done so much to help me. Please consider donating to my fundraising effort, helping me reach my goal, and allowing this nonprofit to  help many more women just like me! My goal is to raise $1500, and have raised $475 to date. Every bit helps, and I'll be thinking of you all during my training and marathon who have given me strength and made this possible.

Uncharted territory

This Saturday marked my longest run ever: 11.3 miles! My marathoner friend Adam was in town again, and we ran along the Lakefront together. He must be a great motivator, because I was able to do the whole mileage without stopping, aside from the water/Gatorade/Clif shot stop (sponsored by Fleet Feet!) about 8.5 miles in. We were behind a large training group (the lakefront is FULL of them on weekends) and had to wait a bit for water and my legs kind of tightened up after that wait, but we finished the last bit. 15 miles more to go to reach the distance, and thankfully there's still almost 3 months of training left. It's kind of amazing that in 6 weeks I've come from running a hard 3 miles to an okay (I'll probably never call it easy) 11. 

Saturday's reward brunch. There's electrolytes in mimosas right??

Also this upcoming Sunday is my first half marathon, the Chicago Rock N Roll Half Marathon.  I have heard mixed reviews on the race itself, but it lines up perfectly with my training. There are several bands that play along the course, so that should be fun and a nice change from my usual Lakefront long runs. It's a little expensive and I am running another half marathon in September, but I figure now is a good time to shake out some big race logistics. I have to work out the kinks in my hydration and energy plans, figure out how to meet Tim post-race, etc. I'm glad I'm running this race in preparation for another, so there's nothing to be really nervous about. Although running a half marathon (my first!) is still a pretty big deal, I'm not doing anything differently this week than any of my other training weeks. I don't particularly care about my time, just completing the mileage. I will be happy with anything under 2 hrs 30 mins, and judging by my training runs, this is perfectly attainable. 

Chicago is having another mini heat wave this week, so let's hope the weather isn't too hot on Sunday! 

Don't say I didn't warn you

If you haven't already heard, my brother-in-law is planning a run, the Run Like An Antelope 5K, in my sister Megan's memory. The race is on October 14, 2012 in Worcester, MA, to benefit metastatic breast cancer research. That's one week after my marathon! The location is Lake Park, near Megan and Rusty's house where they did a lot of their training. Aside from the race, there will be some good tunes, food, and beer. I hope if you're in the area, you can make it. 

Megan at the Smuttynose Half. Beer and running, it doesn't get better. 

I am very excited for this run. Megan, Rusty, and a group of their friends run lots of races together, almost always with beer at the finish line. There aren't too many races in Chicago with beer, she would always tease me and ask "What's the point!?" The group even got matching shirts (I am an honorary member), which we all wore last September at the Worcester Canal Diggers 5K. 

Worcester Canal Diggers 5K 2011: The drinking team with a running problem

So, do you want to join in the fun but maybe aren't a runner? Yet. Running may not be for everyone, but running is for many different types of people. You don't need to be fast. If you have never run and expect to just wake up one day and run a 5K, you might be out of breath really quickly. It takes time to train. Or, you might surprise yourself and be able to do it with no training. Ask Tim how that goes...I'm not sure I would recommend that method! Either way, the race is open to walkers and runners alike, and if you are motivated to train to run the race but are not a runner, I would recommend the Couch to 5K program. 

Couch to 5K is just like what it sounds, it's a 9 week training program that takes you from walking to running a race. The Run Like an Antelope race is 13 weeks, so why am I telling you about this now? Because if you want to do the program you have 1 month to prepare yourself! (Don't worry, I'll remind you later when it's time to start training). Find a nice 3 mile loop you can run on. If you don't enjoy running outside, scope out a gym. I track my runs on Dailymile (you can friend me!), but there are many other apps and run keeper sites where it's easy to map out runs beforehand and keep track of your progress. Most importantly, make sure you have a good pair of shoes. 

Running doesn't require a lot of gear, although it is easy to go overboard and as you have read, I have spent a fair amount of money at my local running store. But all you really need is a t-shirt, workout shorts/pants, socks, and sneakers. And for ladies, a good fitting sports bra. The only area you really need to spend money on is your shoes. Shoes are the single most important thing for running, although most people tend to cheap out or wear a pair of shoes way past their prime. The mileage limits can vary, but our marathon coaches told us that your running shoes should definitely not have a birthday. And chances are if you bought your shoes because they were yellow or on sale at Marshall's, they're not the right kind of shoes. 

If at all possible, the best way to buy running shoes is to go to your local running store, tell them about your fitness goals (walking, running, hiking), have them watch you run, and they will recommend shoes. In Chicago, both Fleet Feet or Running Away Sports fit runners in this manner, I'm sure there are places all over that do it this way. You should also be able to test them out, either on a treadmill or around the block, to make sure they feel comfortable. 

So are you ready to run? Register! 

Motivation

Oh hey there! It's been awhile. Last week was an incredibly hot running week here in Chicago, and I felt like I would have been repeating myself if I told you about the 4 hot, sweaty, muggy, sticky runs that comprised the 22 miles I ran last week. It takes some motivation to go for a run in 100 degree weather and they were all completely disgusting, but looking back I am proud of myself for making it through them. Aside from the hot weather, I also had (non-runner) friends visiting from out of town, a mid-week holiday, and various other things I'd rather do than subject myself to these runs. I was also coming off of an incredibly awesome weekend where Tim asked me to marry him, so it's kind of impossible to top that and get back to the real world! But there were several things that kept me going through last week. 

Last week's training runs

Obviously, the most motivating thing is the marathon itself. I won't make it to or through the marathon without a lot of hard work and I can't afford to skip anything, because you can't cram for a marathon. In fact, when I was just running casually before, I would regularly skip planned runs because it was hot, I was tired, I stayed late at work, etc. It seems the walk home from the train to my house is often the time I convince myself to be lazy or motivated. But now I feel 100% committed to the marathon and the training program, so skipping any run is not an option in my mind. 

Another motivating factor is that running in the heat will better prepare me for...running in the heat. Who knows what the weather will be like during any of my runs and during the race, so I better figure out how my body needs to acclimate now. Also, I'm hoping that running in the summer will make me feel like a rockstar when the temperatures get cooler. I am running at much slower paces than I am used to, but I know that covering the miles is the most important thing, rather than pace. I'm probably always going to wish I was faster, but just completing runs in the heat is an accomplishment in my opinion. But even Monday's run in cooler temperatures felt amazing and partially even FUN because it wasn't sweltering. 

I also have a lot of quiet time on my runs--2 hours on the Lakefront gives you a long time to think. Most of the time I'm content to look out at the scenery, people watch, listen to my own feet and breath, but at some points I need a little something extra. Then I find my brain going rapid fire through a litany of things to motivate and inspire me. My friend Adam showed me his motivating phrase that he keeps as the background on his phone when he runs. I thought of his phrase this weekend, along with a whole list of other motivating things: Tim, my sister, working on not being a chubby bride, the people who have donated so far to my fundraising, the upcoming water fountain, only 4 miles left (when did 4 miles become an "only" distance??), hanging out with my friends later that day at the house we rented, the cold Vitamin Water waiting in the fridge, the fact that in two weeks my Mom would be walking 60 miles so 10 couldn't be THAT hard, a nice breeze, the Gatorade at Diversey (near the end of my run...it was delicious), and hoping for some sprinklers on the last mile from the Lakefront (bless those people who water their lawns). I got through it, thanks in no small part to the many things my brain kept reminding me of to keep me going. 

Each time I finish and make it home, after a bit of hydrating and stretching, I'm amazed that once again, it's not so bad. I can do it. 

What motivates you?

Nice little Saturday

This weekend Tim and I were having our annual Independence Day party and among others, my runner friend Adam was in town to attend. I was scheduled to do 8 miles and considering all the party prep that had to be done, we did the run together from my house on the Lakeshore Path rather than heading to the South Loop to train with my training team. 

Adam just finished his first marathon in Alaska last week, at an awesome time of 3:34 (that's a pace just over 8 min/mile!). I gave ample warning that he would have to slow down to run with me, since I am more of a 11-12 min/mile pace on my long runs. As I've mentioned, I've been frustrated at the amount of walk breaks I've been taking. I know it's okay to take breaks, as it's been pretty hot and they help you go further and gain endurance, but it's disappointing when I know I can do better. On Saturday  Adam and I ran the whole 8 miles+ with no walk breaks at just under a pace of 11 min/mile. We stopped at the water fountains a few times (bless those), but that was it. This was a huge confidence boost for me, this is the longest distance I have run without stopping in over a year. I was gearing up for a long slog of a summer.  

It was also great to hear about Adam's marathon experience as a first timer, he had a lot of great information to share. 

Adam and I post run, ready to party!

And then I got engaged! Tim asked me to marry him at the party, in front of all of our friends. The party was a lot of fun and I'm very excited. It's pretty great to know someone will always be there for me (or with me!) at the finish line. Pretty great Saturday, if you ask me!